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Computer-related Humour
(this page is pretty full now so find new posts at Dezynetek on Facebook)

Tech and computer-related smiles:   Cartoons/Funny Pix   |   Factoids   |   Haiku   |   Murphy-type Laws   |   New Computer Viruses   |   One-Liners   |   Quotations   |   Video Clips

New Computer Viruses

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screens splits with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file and when you attempt to do so it requires you to see a counselor about possible alternatives.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.


A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

WWW: World Wide Wait

"Autocorrect—dimmed if you do and daemnd if you don't!" – Anonimoose

Ours is not to reason why, just reboot and then retry.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save changes to the 10-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection … again.

I changed all my passwords to "incorrect" so now my computer just tells me when I forget.

My garage band "Insufficient Memory" really needs a Gig.

Mirrors should come preloaded with Photoshop.

Don't anthropomorphize computers - they hate it.

RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

Calm down, it's only ones and zeros.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Microsoft: you've got questions? we've got dancing paperclips!

If at first you don't succeed call it Version 1.0

Beta is Latin for 'still doesn't work'.

A program is a device used to convert data into error messages.

Once we've got the bugs ironed out, we'll be running on flat bugs.

Computers don't make errors, what they do they do on purpose.

A computer is almost human, except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

One reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.

The most ominous words for those using computers: "Daddy, what does 'now formatting Drive C' mean?"

Map Quest really needs to start their directions from #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

Unix is user friendly, it's just picky about its friends.

Don't make me use uppercase…

The real problem is not whether machines think, but whether people do.

Murphy-type Laws

Murphy's best friend was a computer.

Lowery's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Maury's Law: No one is too old to learn a new way of being stupid.

Result Law: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

Searle's Sage Sample: The cussedness of inanimate objects is beyond understanding.

Van Roy's Law: Buy in haste - repair at leisure.


"Never send a human to do a machine's job." Agent Smith from The Matrix

"First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure." Douglas Adams

"Macintosh: we might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." Douglas Adams

"There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We do not believe this to be a coincidence." Jeremy S. Anderson

"Once a new technology rolls over you, if you're not part of the steamroller, you're part of the road." Stewart Brand

"A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy." Joseph Campbell

"Technology frightens me to death. It's designed by engineers to impress other engineers." John Cleese

"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside." Robert X. Cringely

"The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim." Edsger W. Dijkstra

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one." Bill Gates

"The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it." William Gibson

"Give a man an 0day and he'll have access for a day, teach a man to phish and he'll have access for life." The Grugg on Twitter

"Unix was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would also stop you from doing clever things." Doug Gwyn

"The Floppy Disk icon means 'save' for a whole generation of people who have never seen one." Scott Hanselman

"Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do." Robert A. Heinlein

"Technology's a two-way ticket. If you live by it, you can be fooled by it." Reginald Hill

"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three." Alice Kahn

"People think computers will keep them from making mistakes. They're wrong. With computers you make mistakes faster." Adam Osborne

"The Internet is the world's largest library. It's just that all the books are on the floor." John Allen Paulos

"If your computer speaks English, it was probably made in Japan." Alan Perlis

"Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked." Jeff Pesis

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." Emo Philips

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." Pablo Picasso

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than one-and-a-half tonnes." Popular Mechanics, 1949 [courtesy of the WServerNews newsletter]

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name." Paula Poundstone

"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining." Jef Raskin

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." Mitch Ratliffe

"In the private sector, you want more people to purchase your product you drop the price. There is but a single, well-known exception, which is Apple. Marketing people describe Apple products as 'lust objects,' which means they transcend the normal rules." Ian Robinson

"The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer." I. F. Stone

"I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone." Bjarne Stroustrup

"See, you not only have to be a good coder to create a system like Linux, you have to be a sneaky bastard too." Linus Torvald

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

"When we started Apple, Steve Jobs and I talked about how we wanted to make blind people as equal and capable as sighted people, and you'd have to say we succeeded when you look at all the people walking down the sidewalk looking down at something in their hands and totally oblivious to everything around them!" Steve Wozniak

"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window." Steve Wozniak


There is no cloud. Only other people's servers. [seen on Twitter]

The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'

Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo"

"97% of the statistics found on the Internet are untrue."Abraham Lincoln

Haiku Error Messages

I first came across this poetry at Computertaijutsu and then found some more at Quote Garden. There appears to have been a competition for Error Messages formatted in Haiku in 1998. These writers did an excellent job and deserve credit so email any missing names for updating.

  • ABORTED effort:
    Close all that you have worked on.
    You ask far too much.
  • A crash reduces
    Your expensive computer
    To a simple stone.
  • A file that big?
    It might be very useful.
    But now it is gone.
    David J. Liszewski
  • Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, and reboot.
    Order shall return.
    Suzie Wagner
  • Stay the patient course.
    Of little worth is your ire.
    The network is down.
    David Ansel
  • Having been erased,
    The document you're seeking
    Must now be retyped.
  • Out of memory.
    We wish to hold the whole sky,
    But we never will.
  • Windows NT crashed.
    I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.
    Peter Rothman
  • First snow, then silence.
    This thousand dollar screen dies
    So beautifully.
  • The Web site you seek
    Can not be located but
    Countless more exist.
  • The Tao that is seen
    Is not the true Tao until
    You bring fresh toner.
  • There is a chasm
    of carbon and silicon
    the software can't bridge
    Rahul Sonnad
  • Three things are certain:
    Death, taxes, and lost data.
    Guess which has occurred.
    David Dixon
  • To have no errors
    Would be life without meaning
    No struggle, no joy
    Brian M. Porter
  • Serious error.
    All shortcuts have disappeared.
    Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
  • With searching comes loss
    And the presence of absence:
    "My Novel" not found.
  • Yesterday it worked.
    Today it is not working.
    Windows is like that.
    Margaret Segall
  • You step in the stream,
    But the water has moved on.
    This page is not here.